1) Neymar hires a UFC fighter as his new bodyguard. That’s no Kevin Costner! 2) Ronaldo get a new sponsor that’s harder than his abs…maybe 3) Newcastle slams Huddersfield for providing “clappers” for their fans. At least it wasn’t vuvuleza day 4) Carlo Ancelotti has been banned from smoking maybe this was the straw?
1) Crystal Palace used sleeping pods to help with recovery during pre-season training. Maybe they are still in them? 2) Oh dear, Ronaldinho has release a new line of fidget spinners. What’s next? 3) Tinder looks to become Manchester United’s first sleeve sponsor. Can you swipe it? 4) Zlatan releases his own video game, and there’s no soccer involved, since is more similar to shooter games as Overwatch, that people play using guide services where they can learn the Overwatch team composition and more.
1) Chelsea used Shaolin Monks for pre-season training to “kick” start the season 2) Antonio Conte admits he loses 7 pounds a match. We think it’s in lost saliva 3) Peter Crouch has a face for radio and 4) Djibouti FA dissolves the national team. “But” it doesn’t “end” there.
1) Manchester United security staff had to follow a strict 18-day booze ban during pre-season tour of the United States. What kind of “tour” is this? 2) Wayne Rooney insists he still has a burning desire to win after joining Everton and is “not coming into a retirement home”. A Life Alert subscription is part of his contract though 3) Dutch team Heracles become first football club to open youth academy for a eSports team. Next stop, VR soccer 4) Former AC Milan defender Cristian Zaccardo is looking for new club on LinkedIn. Time to update our profile.
1) The League Two side Wycombe has released a keeper jersey designed to throw off opposing strikers. We have a few better ideas than what they came up with. 2) Mike Ashley has told a Court judge that he is a “power drinker” who likes to get drunk. Nothing to add here. 3) Arsene Wenger finally gets his man, Lacazette. But how did he do it? 4) A secretive American investment firm backed by Mark Zuckerberg is considering a £1B bid for Tottenham Hotspur. We “like” this news.
1) Jamie Vardy’s academy for non-league talent has its first player offered a professional contract. We’re not sure if it’s a soccer contract or a party contract. 2) Raheem Sterling says Manchester City must become more “streetwise” if they are to challenge for honors next season. Is this on or off the pitch? 3) Cristiano Ronaldo may have just been offered the best contract ever, free beer for life.
1) Brisbane Roar has been fined by the AFC for not providing proper meals for a group of Champions League match officials. Who wouldn’t demand lobster twice a day? 2) An Argentine football player has caused outrage after admitting that he used a needle to hurt opposing players. What a prick! 3) Newcastle is named the fastest growing soccer brand in the world. Mike Ashley’s underwear line must be a hit! 4) Claudio Ranieri almost missed out on Nantes due to his age! We claim ageism. 5) We are treated to a visit from an old friend, Dr. Brown.
1) The Messi Experience Park, a theme park dedicated to Lionel Messi, will open in China in 2019. Can’t wait to ride the “nutmeg”. 2) Manchester City VIPs will receive pre-match tactical briefings from Pep Guardiola’s backroom staff before every home game. We would rather be around the post match drinking contest. 3) Does the MLS need a villain to help drive popularity? 4) A Bulgarian defender swigs beer that was thrown at him during a match. Best part, it ended up being just the boost he needed 5) Our “Get to Know the Yanks” asks, “Who do you want to play on Boxing Day?”
1) Mario Balotelli has a plan for becoming the next Ballon d’Or winner and it’s MURDER! 2) Plans for new Canadian Premier League approved. We hope they know there is no ice involved. 3) Juventus star Paulo Dybala has claimed that he’s become so good in part because of the film Gladiator. He loves himself the classics. 4) Grimsby fans hire mariachi band as a protest. 5) Our “Get to Know the Yanks” asks, “Which superhero would you pick as your inspiration?”
1) LA Galaxy are ready to launch an X Factor style TV show in a bid to unearth British soccer talent. Catch phrase? “You’re sacked” 2) Sam Allardyce favors the use of sin-bins during the match rather than retrospective action on divers. We’re good as long as the sin bins are filled with sharks. 3) Stoke City manager Mark Hughes promises to bring sexy football to Stoke City through transfers. We vote for Matthew McConaughey 4) MLS referee uses vanishing spray to fend off players. He is our hero 5) Our “Get to Know the Yanks” asks, “Which alcoholic beverage would you choose to be showered with and why?”
1) Stoke City have announced that they will be sponsoring their sleeves for next season’s shirt. What’s next, sponsored tassels? 2) Pep Guardiola showed up late to his post match press conference and blames Tony Pulis and red wine for his tardiness. Were they playing a drinking game? 3) Jordan Henderson reveals an epic Luis Suarez injury story which just adds to his folklore and the reason why we all want him on our team. And it has nothing to do with eating people! 4) A restaurant owner has revealed how Conte spies on his players when they’re out and about. Sounds more like the Corleones. 5) Our “Get to Know the Yanks” is dreaming of holidays.